Rush Limbaugh shocked his listeners today by announcing that he had covertly funded and masterminded the overthrow of Kyrgyzstan’s sitting government. “That’s right, I did that,” he proudly told his massive radio audience, adding, “In the U.S., rich white men are nagged by nanny state diversity whores and told that we can’t do this and we can’t do that. This little overthrow was a giant ‘screw you!’ to all of those people.”
The infamous talk show host sounded smug and assured as he fielded critical questions from a normally adoring audience. When one listener asked how Limbaugh could justify such a heinous action, Limbaugh shouted back, “Heinous? Listen you pinhead, clearly you’re not getting what’s going on in this country. White people can’t do or say anything without being told we’re racists or oppressors. Someone has to show that when push comes to shove, we’ll do whatever the hell we want! Try to stop us! Now go get a job and stop wasting my time.”
Another listener challenged Limbaugh more forcefully, stating that he was only proving his critics’ point that he is in fact a dangerously reckless megalomaniac.
Limbaugh retorted, “I just can’t believe how naïve you are! Open your eyes! Can’t you see that King Obama and his gangs of light and dark skinned followers are infiltrating our institutions and contaminating our precious bodily fluids? Maybe overthrowing the government of a sovereign nation seems ‘radical’ to your liberal sensibilities, but sometimes the only way to get your message across is to summarily crush people, like we used to before the socialists took over.”
Limbaugh became especially incensed when a caller suggested that the talk radio giant’s real reason for the Kyrgyzstan overthrow was to take control of the country’s poppy fields. Pointing to Limbaugh’s well known addiction to Oxycontin, the caller further accused him of lying to cover an ulterior motive that’s anything but noble.
Limbaugh pounded his fists on the table and yelled back, “Look you jackass, if I want drugs I can get them right here! I don’t need some goat screwing poppy farmer to get a fix!…I mean, if I was someone who used that stuff, which I’m not, no matter what the left-wing conspiracy theorists say.”
When asked if he has any plans to visit the country, Limbaugh said that he “wouldn’t be caught dead in that third-world dung hole” and that he “hoped the whole place burns to the ground and is replaced by a new Disney park.”
The preceding was entirely fictional. Just Friday funnies. Duh.