Six Cynical Ways to Get Her into Bed Tonight

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I used to read Men’s Health Best Life  before it went kerplunk in the La Brea tarpit of failed magazines last year. I enjoyed a few of its regular columns on books, movies and music and the occasional worthwhile interview. Since its demise, I continue to receive email updates from Men’s Health, most of which are about working out, stuff not to eat, etc. But every so often I get an email about how to “have better sex” and related topics, and I got one over the weekend that merits mentioning.

It’s titled “Woo Her with Words: 6 Phrases to Get Her into Bed Tonight”.  A couple of the phrases are corny bordering on lame, such as “Did you know you have a heart-shaped freckle on the back of your left thigh?”  The idea being that a man is taking the time to investigate every portion of his mate’s body, no matter how many times they’ve had sex. And as we all know, most women have at least one if not several heart-shaped freckles just waiting to be discovered. 

Another one: “You must be exhausted. Let’s take a hot shower and I’ll scrub your back.” That’s not bad. Taking a shower together is sexy and back scrubbing is appreciated by pretty much all primates, including us. I wouldn’t offer a nice de-licing as well, but scrubbing is good.

But then we get to the weighty stuff.  Take this one: “I’m organizing a team of volunteers for Summit for Someone.”  Here’s the description that goes with it:

Whether it’s climbing mountains with inner-city kids or carrying the neighbor’s groceries, helping others boosts your sexy factor for two reasons. First, altruism shows her that you can put your own needs aside, which inspires her to take care of them for you. Second, your good deeds make her feel as if she’s dating up, because clearly you’re a better person than she is. She’ll want to join forces with you on your life’s quest.

My first observation about this is, if you’re doing something out of genuine altruism and not an ulterior motive, then why the need to advertise it?  The description clarifies why: “your good deeds make her feel as if she’s dating up, because clearly you’re a better person than she is.”  Well if ever there was a good reason for a man to do a good deed, that must be it. There’s nothing like using your faux altruism to shame your partner into some really hot sex.  

And then there’s this one: “I’m taking the day off tomorrow to chaperone my niece’s field trip.”  Description below:

While a woman is impressed by a man who’s driven to succeed, she’s even more tantalized by a striver who’s willing to put a family member first—extra points if that family member is under 12. She’ll instantly flash-forward to when you’re the sweet, caring father of her children, at which point her heart will go all gooey. Come back from your kiddie outing with a cute stuffed animal for her and she’ll practically drag you into bed.

It’s the old “I’m going to put up with these little brats because it’ll make me look like a good father, even though I’m really just trying to ‘woo her with my words’ to get her into bed tonight” scheme. Throw in a stuffed animal and it’s drag me to ecstasy time!  Better yet, just pretend to chaperone the kid’s field trip, take the day off work anyway and buy a stuffed animal. Hey, if you’re taking the Men’s Health advice, you’re already a cynic so why not just go all the way?

Finally, there’s this gem: “I want to accomplish a few key things in the next 5 years.” Really?  So, what’s the first thing on your list?  “I want to woo her with my words to get her into bed tonight.”  Seriously, here’s the description:

When a woman hears a man talk about the future with a “whatever” attitude, her level of respect for him drops and her thighs snap shut. She was surrounded by way too many of those directionless dudes back in college, and she has learned that men who have clear goals and realistic plans for achieving them are rare. She’ll appreciate your farsightedness all the more. Making up your mind settles hers, as well.

So to avoid the dreaded thigh snapping (is anyone else catching the machine allusions?) you’d better have a five-year plan ready to promote.  Sort of like on a job interview, except you want your interviewer to drag you to bed afterwards instead of just showing you the break-room amenities.

I think what bothers me most about these “suggestions” is how over-the-top contrived they are, and how the packaging amounts to nothing but a cynical “do/say this for sex” ploy. If you’re a guy who volunteers, likes kids, and has plans for your future, that’s great.  But if you’re the guy who has calculated that those elements are necessary parts of your personal PR campaign to get sex, then let’s face it, you’re probably an asshole. 

My tip to Men’s Health: your pub provides plenty of useful information and I appreciate that, but this stuff is just swarmy. Why don’t you let pubs like Maxim handle the cynical sex schemes and you stick with workout plans, dieting and “what to bring when you go hiking” sort of stuff.  Just a suggestion.